This is Me

too much

2011-04-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

i am too much. Intense. Fiesty. Determined. Dramatic. TOO MUCH. or so i have been told and i'm starting to think they're right. This one thing i work so much for maybe too hard for never happens. Why is it so hard for me to find love. Not the movie love all over the top n magical. That love i gave up on. I mean the love thts raw the kind where u have fights n arguements but u work it out cause u love the person. Where its balanced out with affection and actions.

But i;m going to stop looking and trying to find it. Right now in my life i"m about to graduate and need to get a job. Yet all i can think about is him n how becoming a millionaire is more important than being with me. I'm so mad i let the lil box with all the feelings i had for him pop open n now i have to put it back into its box.

Soo here i got to start healing again.....

new

2010-04-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

So now its almost the end of the semester n i have tons of work to do but i cant get this one guy out of my head its edwin but i call him eddie n he is an awesome guy who i have so many things in common n were just so comfortable wit each other n can talk about almost anything. He is passionate about his career and his family n culture which is the same as mine. We can understand where we each have come from and where we want to go and issues tht have come up in each of our life and i'm scared to hope even though my heart has already started too. I'm scared tht i'll fall for him like i have done so many times before n been hurt by them. I'm trying not to care so much but wht can i do when my heart n soul is lonely and longing for a partner in my life. And here i found this man that has so much potential of being an amazing match with me so how can i not start to hope n wish.. idk how do i distract myself n not think about this person.. i'm so confused n filled with emotions but yet again wht is new

A new year of Hope

2010-02-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

My 21st birthday is in less than 3 hours n i'm in my bed thinking about how many struggles n bad times i went through this past year as well as sum of the good that came with it n form it. I've grown so much tht i wouldnt have even imagined. My eyes were opened to who really is good in my life n who is toxic n i distanced myself n i'm actually way more at peace with myself.

Usually 21 means lost of crazyness n all tht stuff is about to come but i'm lookign forward to being happy as much as i can even when things r hard finding a way to find it. If romance comes into my life it will be welcomed but if it doesnt i'll enjoy being single.

This Year i'm goin to focus on me n bettering myself n makin myself happy. Ofcourse i'll be there for my loved ones but i'm not goin to forget myself like i have done many times.

I'm letting go of the past n takign the lessons i learned with me.

So this year is for Love, Strength, Faith, Joy n Hope.

Will it ever come?

2010-02-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

I remember one time in my life i had it and it was good. Idk as i grew up its started to fade n now i barely feel it just here n there. If u haven't figure out wht it is yet its happiness n the love tht comes with it. I remember my childhood n it was generally happy n full of love from many ppl i had in my life but now its so hard for me to feel that way. i kno ppl have tougher things their goin thur in their lives n for sum ppl close to me i see it first had but y cant i feel happy with mine. everytime i'm close to being happy somethign happens n its fades off like a bubble into the sky. Its really hard to distance myself from the drama n bullshit because alot of it has to do with my family n all the issues we have separately n as a unit. Like i've been a bet bumpy with my life recently but i had manage to stay pretty ok with everythign i was pretty happy because i was busy again n i had school n especially since my birthday is coming up but then my sis has a lapse into her depression n everythign is down hill form there. I tried to help her but she doesnt want it n then my mom n dad start to bicker about it n how to deal with it n tht just brings a tension into my house n i cant get away because i cant just leave my house n oh i wish i could but i cant right now. So i just deal even though i get angry, resentful n sad about the situation n especially so close to a day tht is supposed to celebrate my 21st birthday...which now i have no clue wht will happen the day of n where i will be in all this.i'm just tired of all this n i want to be happy n find someone to be with n no one wants to be around iin all this chaos i dont even want to...For now i'm just trying to live n wait to graduate n be able to leave this drama even a bit when i have my own place.

What path leads to love?

2009-12-27T16:53:00.001-08:00

So things with Griffin is well but now he is in Brazil for the holidays n i barely get to talk to him n well u kno wht they say when their out of sight out of mind n i feel it slowly goin away but idk he's still a possiblity

Swedish Mike is in Sweden to spend the holidays with his fam n even though i kno tht in late january is is goin to granada from med school i cant help be feel tht connection we have especial because he has had everythign i look for in a guy yet there he is goin before we get to see if it could happen and though we both didnt want to get attached to one another it is happening.

Marcuantonio wants to come back into my life after all the bullshit he put me through n i'm kinda giving him the chance to fix things even though i'm making it really hard. I'm scared i'm making a stupid choice by doing this.

I have all these n more guys talking to me n stuff yet i still feel alone at times n i'm scared to truely let any of them in because i dont wanna get hurt again. My friend's mom tells me i'm young n should date n not commit to someone but even as i date i wanna find tht one person i can be with even if it doesnt last for ever but i want to be with just one person.

I want to find a man that is passionate about his goal in his life as well as his woman, who is caring n loving, responsible n respectful, understanding, compassionate, who can be fun, goofy n carefree as well as be strong n assuring, a man that can see me with all my falws n weakness n love n accept them as he loves n accepts my beauty n strengths

Mind Games

2009-12-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

well i think i just scared the guy i like away as i usually do. havent spoken to him since monday and yea i understand he's busy because i am too but he's online alot of the time yet he can't im me or even bother to respond to my ims and/or text messages. so really i feel lost yet again.
Anyone see a reaccurign theme in this postings. I'm pretty stressed with school but i also want to be with someone and i guess i come on too strongly. i just hate to be left out in the cold and its a bit awkward because whts the point. so yea kinda wanna just give up but i dont cuz i like him but i dont wanna play games.

UGH I THINK I COMPLICATE THINGS MORE CUZ I THINK TOO MUCH!!!

Torn

2009-12-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

WOW i just feel so weird right now i feel like crying n laughing n just feeling how beautifully ironic life is right now. I should be working on hw for business writing and on my final project for info.systems yet here i am. i have this feeling of just being lost n not knowing really where to turn. What to do. I kno ii will get my work done n i will finish this semester. but something has got to change i feel it inside my heart n my soul is telling me.
Honestly i dont kno what to change where to go. And as honest goes i havent been happy in such a long time. Truely happy i forget how it feels. How it feels to wake up n just feel at peace with ur life. I've just been alive n not living. I say its cuz i'm alone but even if i'm talking to a person n i'm happy for the moment eventually it just goes away and honestly who wants to be with someone who is broken in the inside. Yea thats how it is i feel torn n a bit broken on the inside.
Also theres the fact most of the ppl i have let get close to me have hurt me or just let my life. So now i have these walls up n every time i wanna let someone in really get to kno the real me i'm so scared n i just stop or change the subject or act like theres nothing wrong.
I honestly dont kno wht to do should i just keep drying to fix it myself, should i get professional help....or do nothing???

cant sleep n have a boy on my mind

2009-11-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

well its 1:05am and i'm wide awake n wantign to talk to griffin but he isnt responding n proabably is sleeping. Gosh tht boy is sweeping me off my feet lol which i do enjoy. idk kinda scared tht i might fall for him too quicky n u kno wht comes quickly goes quickly. He is just so sweet i cant help myself and i'm kinda scared cuz havent had a bf in a while n i'm already starting to get attached to him n idk things happen. but hopefully we can work out or if we dont we can be friends.
So yea thats all for now

2009-11-25T19:48:00.001-08:00

Well hi again its been a while since i've blogged but heres a recap of whats happened since then.
Awi n me made up n were stronger than ever which is important cuz both of us are goin through alot of things n we've been each others crutch.
I've lost another best friend and few other ppl in my life which saddens me but it happens for a reason and i think in the long run it'll be for the best.
I've been and this depression rollercoaster i'm kinda better now but i'm having lots o f trouble having enough drive to do things i need to do especially school.
n well today is the day before thanksgiving n i've been a lazy ass n been in bed most of the day instaed of doing my work. Also i this amazing guy online...i have an account on speeddate on facebook and wow he just had my amazed didnt wanna stop talking to him.
Dont wanna get me hopes up too much but we'll see wht happens.
Well i'ma go be lazy..

help

2009-07-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

honestly idk what to do so i'm going to do she told me to do n its blog about my feelings. so my best friend n i had a fight which all came about cuz i need someone to talk to n everyone else had either turned their backs or was part of what i needed to talk about. i needed to let out my issues about my parents, sister, friends, n well guys. she was gin through sum stuff herself but i had been there for her so i was hoping for the same but she turned her back on me like everyone else n i was hurt. so after a few days of asking for alil of her time n getttign refused i got even more upset than i was so when she said how r u one day i gave her attitude n she let her anger out on me n it got ugly. n somethings she said really shocked n hurt me tht she could say or think of me in tht way. n just cuz my issues seem small to u they arent to me n tht hurt more. we havent talked in a month n on n off i think about her. its been 4 yrs of being best friends and it hurts tht it seems to have ended but idk if she even cares. it been bothering n i try to ignore it n push th feelings away but its so hard.

How do u let go of a person tht was part of ur family?
how can i get rid of the hurt?
how do i stop wishing she was here when i'm out doing something tht i kno she would like to do?
how do i stop worrying if she's ok?

i part of me wants to fix things but last time things got like this i fixed it n i kinda want her to step forward n let me kno she cares about me too. tht she cherishes our sisterhood like i do.

so world u tell me what i should do?

2009-06-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

i've been in the funkiest moods today. i've felt lonely alot today. i miss my friends like crazy cuz i havent really seen them. n my sis is out to my cuzin's house. my sis n i we have our issues but recently she has become an important part of my life n not having her around has gottent o me i guess. i really dont kno wth is wrong with me. but i do kno i miss the special ppl in my life that bring smiles to my face n life. i think i just need this rain to stop n hang ot wit them. n also my period should be coming soon tht migth be it too (too much info too some but w.e) well tht it for now...

Ugh..Guys.....

2009-06-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

well as i said in the other blog theres this guy named eric that i'm currently talkin to n well i was pretty happy n was starting to open up n trust him a bit and thinking this might actually work. for wht was thttttt. he had invited me to go out to the movies last night but i thought its was a bit too soon n said no n then awi had invited me to come sleepover n have movie night. so i told him that n he was cool n he was still goin to the movies. the thing is i figured he wouldn't go by himself tht i kno but what i didn't kno it was goin to be wit a gurl. not saying i'm syuper jealious cuz i'm not especially that we just started talking but my shit is by upfront n honest cuz i hate when dudes start play fuckin games omggggg.
before this when we were talking he asked me if i was talking to anyone else and i honestly said yes 1 other guy tht i've been talking to for a few weeks. (the thing wit this guy is that he too has been playing games recently so i've been distancing myself from him a bit.) then i asked him n he said honestly he wasn't i was the only gurl is was talking to. so i was like ok cool. to be honest it did make me feel lsafer n that i can get to kno him n not worry so much but then i can have foolish thoughts like that cuz i am a romantic n that usually back fires one me.
so then last night i call him cuz he hadn't responded to my texts which he usually does n he picks up n i was like whats up n i was just calling cuz u hadn't responded to my text n i was wondering wht u up to. well he like about to see the movie..i was like its 11:29 it doesn't start till 12:01 (in my head i'm like previews does not half an hour before the movie) he's like i gotta go n it felt like he was like i gotta go n it seemed like he had to go cuz he was it someone so i said ok w.e have fun on ur date n hung up. then like half an hour later he texts sorry n i texted back for what? n about 2 hours later he said idk just cuz. which i didnt' end up reading till 3 cuz i knocked out watch a movie. which then i went n called him n said y u sorry n he's like cuz u seemed upset n i'm sorry i'm like w.e cuz i'm annoyed now..i was like who did u go wit to the movies cuz i kno u didn't go alone he like yea i wouldn't go alone (and all through out this i hear a gurl in the background being pretty loud) he's like i went wit a friend i was like wit a gurl n he was quiet that answeredd it all n he admitted yea wit a gurl n said i gotta go to bed now i was pissed the fuck off at this point i was like out have fun wit ur date n hung up. 20 mins later i texted him n said thanks for being honest from the get go..n turned off my fone cuz i left my charger at home n i didn't want it to die
so this morning when i wake up i turn my fone on n i get a text from him from last night it says well she not a blend gurl lol....i kno her n i wasn't gonna watch i movie by myself..i'm sorry but tht just pissed me off more omggg.
1. i knew he wasn't goint o go by himself
2. i dont care if he went wit a gurl
3. i wouldnt care if she was a blend date which idk wtf tht is
what i do care about is that he wasnt up front wit me about it from the get go when i first called him. he could of told me hey can't talk i decided to go to the movies wit this gurl i kno ttyl.. thats it end of convo i would of understood that. sure honestly that would of bothered me sum but it would of sure been better than all this drama....
my one question is why the fcuk do guys have to play games all the time?...maybe i need to finish my steve harvey book to find out...

hi world

2009-06-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

well this is my first blog and my bff awi conviced me to do this. I was thinking if i should blog because i do need a place i can leave my thoughts, ideas n hopes so i guess here it is.
...well theres this guy i'm talking to named erci n he's really sweet n he seems like he likes me n i'm starting to like him..and maybe soon we either go on a date or hang out...kinda anxious to do so...well besides that life is good i need to work on m report for my rediculous internship class due on tuesday and well i'm here wit awi on gurls night in...

Thats The End
......For Now