A new year of Hope

My 21st birthday is in less than 3 hours n i'm in my bed thinking about how many struggles n bad times i went through this past year as well as sum of the good that came with it n form it. I've grown so much tht i wouldnt have even imagined. My eyes were opened to who really is good in my life n who is toxic n i distanced myself n i'm actually way more at peace with myself.

Usually 21 means lost of crazyness n all tht stuff is about to come but i'm lookign forward to being happy as much as i can even when things r hard finding a way to find it. If romance comes into my life it will be welcomed but if it doesnt i'll enjoy being single.

This Year i'm goin to focus on me n bettering myself n makin myself happy. Ofcourse i'll be there for my loved ones but i'm not goin to forget myself like i have done many times.

I'm letting go of the past n takign the lessons i learned with me.

So this year is for Love, Strength, Faith, Joy n Hope.

Will it ever come?

I remember one time in my life i had it and it was good. Idk as i grew up its started to fade n now i barely feel it just here n there. If u haven't figure out wht it is yet its happiness n the love tht comes with it. I remember my childhood n it was generally happy n full of love from many ppl i had in my life but now its so hard for me to feel that way. i kno ppl have tougher things their goin thur in their lives n for sum ppl close to me i see it first had but y cant i feel happy with mine. everytime i'm close to being happy somethign happens n its fades off like a bubble into the sky. Its really hard to distance myself from the drama n bullshit because alot of it has to do with my family n all the issues we have separately n as a unit. Like i've been a bet bumpy with my life recently but i had manage to stay pretty ok with everythign i was pretty happy because i was busy again n i had school n especially since my birthday is coming up but then my sis has a lapse into her depression n everythign is down hill form there. I tried to help her but she doesnt want it n then my mom n dad start to bicker about it n how to deal with it n tht just brings a tension into my house n i cant get away because i cant just leave my house n oh i wish i could but i cant right now. So i just deal even though i get angry, resentful n sad about the situation n especially so close to a day tht is supposed to celebrate my 21st birthday...which now i have no clue wht will happen the day of n where i will be in all this.i'm just tired of all this n i want to be happy n find someone to be with n no one wants to be around iin all this chaos i dont even want to...For now i'm just trying to live n wait to graduate n be able to leave this drama even a bit when i have my own place.