new

So now its almost the end of the semester n i have tons of work to do but i cant get this one guy out of my head its edwin but i call him eddie n he is an awesome guy who i have so many things in common n were just so comfortable wit each other n can talk about almost anything. He is passionate about his career and his family n culture which is the same as mine. We can understand where we each have come from and where we want to go and issues tht have come up in each of our life and i'm scared to hope even though my heart has already started too. I'm scared tht i'll fall for him like i have done so many times before n been hurt by them. I'm trying not to care so much but wht can i do when my heart n soul is lonely and longing for a partner in my life. And here i found this man that has so much potential of being an amazing match with me so how can i not start to hope n wish.. idk how do i distract myself n not think about this person.. i'm so confused n filled with emotions but yet again wht is new

A new year of Hope

My 21st birthday is in less than 3 hours n i'm in my bed thinking about how many struggles n bad times i went through this past year as well as sum of the good that came with it n form it. I've grown so much tht i wouldnt have even imagined. My eyes were opened to who really is good in my life n who is toxic n i distanced myself n i'm actually way more at peace with myself.

Usually 21 means lost of crazyness n all tht stuff is about to come but i'm lookign forward to being happy as much as i can even when things r hard finding a way to find it. If romance comes into my life it will be welcomed but if it doesnt i'll enjoy being single.

This Year i'm goin to focus on me n bettering myself n makin myself happy. Ofcourse i'll be there for my loved ones but i'm not goin to forget myself like i have done many times.

I'm letting go of the past n takign the lessons i learned with me.

So this year is for Love, Strength, Faith, Joy n Hope.

Will it ever come?

I remember one time in my life i had it and it was good. Idk as i grew up its started to fade n now i barely feel it just here n there. If u haven't figure out wht it is yet its happiness n the love tht comes with it. I remember my childhood n it was generally happy n full of love from many ppl i had in my life but now its so hard for me to feel that way. i kno ppl have tougher things their goin thur in their lives n for sum ppl close to me i see it first had but y cant i feel happy with mine. everytime i'm close to being happy somethign happens n its fades off like a bubble into the sky. Its really hard to distance myself from the drama n bullshit because alot of it has to do with my family n all the issues we have separately n as a unit. Like i've been a bet bumpy with my life recently but i had manage to stay pretty ok with everythign i was pretty happy because i was busy again n i had school n especially since my birthday is coming up but then my sis has a lapse into her depression n everythign is down hill form there. I tried to help her but she doesnt want it n then my mom n dad start to bicker about it n how to deal with it n tht just brings a tension into my house n i cant get away because i cant just leave my house n oh i wish i could but i cant right now. So i just deal even though i get angry, resentful n sad about the situation n especially so close to a day tht is supposed to celebrate my 21st birthday...which now i have no clue wht will happen the day of n where i will be in all this.i'm just tired of all this n i want to be happy n find someone to be with n no one wants to be around iin all this chaos i dont even want to...For now i'm just trying to live n wait to graduate n be able to leave this drama even a bit when i have my own place.