too much

i am too much. Intense. Fiesty. Determined. Dramatic. TOO MUCH. or so i have been told and i'm starting to think they're right. This one thing i work so much for maybe too hard for never happens. Why is it so hard for me to find love. Not the movie love all over the top n magical. That love i gave up on. I mean the love thts raw the kind where u have fights n arguements but u work it out cause u love the person. Where its balanced out with affection and actions.

But i;m going to stop looking and trying to find it. Right now in my life i"m about to graduate and need to get a job. Yet all i can think about is him n how becoming a millionaire is more important than being with me. I'm so mad i let the lil box with all the feelings i had for him pop open n now i have to put it back into its box.

Soo here i got to start healing again.....

new

So now its almost the end of the semester n i have tons of work to do but i cant get this one guy out of my head its edwin but i call him eddie n he is an awesome guy who i have so many things in common n were just so comfortable wit each other n can talk about almost anything. He is passionate about his career and his family n culture which is the same as mine. We can understand where we each have come from and where we want to go and issues tht have come up in each of our life and i'm scared to hope even though my heart has already started too. I'm scared tht i'll fall for him like i have done so many times before n been hurt by them. I'm trying not to care so much but wht can i do when my heart n soul is lonely and longing for a partner in my life. And here i found this man that has so much potential of being an amazing match with me so how can i not start to hope n wish.. idk how do i distract myself n not think about this person.. i'm so confused n filled with emotions but yet again wht is new

A new year of Hope

My 21st birthday is in less than 3 hours n i'm in my bed thinking about how many struggles n bad times i went through this past year as well as sum of the good that came with it n form it. I've grown so much tht i wouldnt have even imagined. My eyes were opened to who really is good in my life n who is toxic n i distanced myself n i'm actually way more at peace with myself.

Usually 21 means lost of crazyness n all tht stuff is about to come but i'm lookign forward to being happy as much as i can even when things r hard finding a way to find it. If romance comes into my life it will be welcomed but if it doesnt i'll enjoy being single.

This Year i'm goin to focus on me n bettering myself n makin myself happy. Ofcourse i'll be there for my loved ones but i'm not goin to forget myself like i have done many times.

I'm letting go of the past n takign the lessons i learned with me.

So this year is for Love, Strength, Faith, Joy n Hope.

Will it ever come?

I remember one time in my life i had it and it was good. Idk as i grew up its started to fade n now i barely feel it just here n there. If u haven't figure out wht it is yet its happiness n the love tht comes with it. I remember my childhood n it was generally happy n full of love from many ppl i had in my life but now its so hard for me to feel that way. i kno ppl have tougher things their goin thur in their lives n for sum ppl close to me i see it first had but y cant i feel happy with mine. everytime i'm close to being happy somethign happens n its fades off like a bubble into the sky. Its really hard to distance myself from the drama n bullshit because alot of it has to do with my family n all the issues we have separately n as a unit. Like i've been a bet bumpy with my life recently but i had manage to stay pretty ok with everythign i was pretty happy because i was busy again n i had school n especially since my birthday is coming up but then my sis has a lapse into her depression n everythign is down hill form there. I tried to help her but she doesnt want it n then my mom n dad start to bicker about it n how to deal with it n tht just brings a tension into my house n i cant get away because i cant just leave my house n oh i wish i could but i cant right now. So i just deal even though i get angry, resentful n sad about the situation n especially so close to a day tht is supposed to celebrate my 21st birthday...which now i have no clue wht will happen the day of n where i will be in all this.i'm just tired of all this n i want to be happy n find someone to be with n no one wants to be around iin all this chaos i dont even want to...For now i'm just trying to live n wait to graduate n be able to leave this drama even a bit when i have my own place.

What path leads to love?

So things with Griffin is well but now he is in Brazil for the holidays n i barely get to talk to him n well u kno wht they say when their out of sight out of mind n i feel it slowly goin away but idk he's still a possiblity

Swedish Mike is in Sweden to spend the holidays with his fam n even though i kno tht in late january is is goin to granada from med school i cant help be feel tht connection we have especial because he has had everythign i look for in a guy yet there he is goin before we get to see if it could happen and though we both didnt want to get attached to one another it is happening.

Marcuantonio wants to come back into my life after all the bullshit he put me through n i'm kinda giving him the chance to fix things even though i'm making it really hard. I'm scared i'm making a stupid choice by doing this.

I have all these n more guys talking to me n stuff yet i still feel alone at times n i'm scared to truely let any of them in because i dont wanna get hurt again. My friend's mom tells me i'm young n should date n not commit to someone but even as i date i wanna find tht one person i can be with even if it doesnt last for ever but i want to be with just one person.

I want to find a man that is passionate about his goal in his life as well as his woman, who is caring n loving, responsible n respectful, understanding, compassionate, who can be fun, goofy n carefree as well as be strong n assuring, a man that can see me with all my falws n weakness n love n accept them as he loves n accepts my beauty n strengths

Mind Games

well i think i just scared the guy i like away as i usually do. havent spoken to him since monday and yea i understand he's busy because i am too but he's online alot of the time yet he can't im me or even bother to respond to my ims and/or text messages. so really i feel lost yet again.
Anyone see a reaccurign theme in this postings. I'm pretty stressed with school but i also want to be with someone and i guess i come on too strongly. i just hate to be left out in the cold and its a bit awkward because whts the point. so yea kinda wanna just give up but i dont cuz i like him but i dont wanna play games.

UGH I THINK I COMPLICATE THINGS MORE CUZ I THINK TOO MUCH!!!

Torn

WOW i just feel so weird right now i feel like crying n laughing n just feeling how beautifully ironic life is right now. I should be working on hw for business writing and on my final project for info.systems yet here i am. i have this feeling of just being lost n not knowing really where to turn. What to do. I kno ii will get my work done n i will finish this semester. but something has got to change i feel it inside my heart n my soul is telling me.
Honestly i dont kno what to change where to go. And as honest goes i havent been happy in such a long time. Truely happy i forget how it feels. How it feels to wake up n just feel at peace with ur life. I've just been alive n not living. I say its cuz i'm alone but even if i'm talking to a person n i'm happy for the moment eventually it just goes away and honestly who wants to be with someone who is broken in the inside. Yea thats how it is i feel torn n a bit broken on the inside.
Also theres the fact most of the ppl i have let get close to me have hurt me or just let my life. So now i have these walls up n every time i wanna let someone in really get to kno the real me i'm so scared n i just stop or change the subject or act like theres nothing wrong.
I honestly dont kno wht to do should i just keep drying to fix it myself, should i get professional help....or do nothing???